Reviews

Seán’s Retro Reviews – “TNA presents Total Nonstop Deletion.”

 

Hello folks, it’s Seán from IWP here with a real treat for you a bit of a retro review on “Broken” Matt Hardy’s masterpiece known as Total Nonstop Deletion. With some of the best parts of TNA the past few years being the Broken Matt and Brother Nero saga, TNA decided to devote an entire show to the brothers Hardy and this is what we got. Let’s take a look, shall we?

We open with a fake newscaster, telling us that Cameron has gone to shit and a volcano has appeared at Matt’s gaff and the only way to save the world is for the Broken Hardy Boyz to prove themselves as the “Greatest tag team in all of time and space” by beating any and all comers in Tag Team Apocalypto. He throws to an interview with Cameron citizens and we see Jeff Hardy’s comedy persona Itchweeed from the old Hardy’s youtube show. Armed with a strimmer and goggles he tells us he’s going to go cut the grass and we go to the “Dome of Deletion” for our first match.

Match 1. Rockstar Spud vs. King Maxel:
Matt, Jeff and Senor Benjamin are in the ring riling up the crowd when they are interrupted by Rockstar Spud and his amazingly British theme! The ramp is deadly, a supersized cartoon of Matt complete with goofy teeth. Spud says that he’s there to cancel TND and he’s sick of Matt’s son Maxel taking up TV time and he’s “gonna stretch him out and make him famous!” . Matt says that he will face Maxel in Maxel’s first match at one year old! Matt says that Spud wasn’t the planned opponent but he’ll do, so, here we go! Maxel comes out with his mother Reby watching over him. Maxel’s riding in an awesome miniature car! He gets in the ring and the bell rings. Surprise! Senor Benjamin hits Spud with the Mountie’s shock stick rendering Spud immobile on the canvas. Maxel covers and gets a three making him 1 and 0 in his wrestling career. After the match, we go behind the curtain to see Maxel’s planned opponent – Disco Inferno. Who laughs and says “At least it wasn’t me” and walks away.

When we come back from break, former Knockouts champion Sienna is in the ring. She says that she wants Rosemary’s title but as Rosemary is banned from the Hardy compound, she declares herself number one contender instead. She demands an opponent anyway and stalwart Hardy family member and best drone ever Vanguard 1 (V1!) floats down to the ring. The referee disallows this stating that it’s illegal in North Carolina for a woman to fight a man. Didn’t know a drone had a gender but fairplay. As, V1 is ejected we see a mobile home pull up in the car park and the door open. It’s TNA legend ODB back for one final fight.

Match 2: ODB vs Sienna.
This match never really got going as halfway into it ODB’s gear split right down the middle and she wasn’t wearing underwear! Very puch-kicky stuff until the ref goes down and Vanguard 1 returns, ODB hits her Fallaway Slam and covers and V1 switches to “ref-mode” and gets a 2 as the real ref comes to and pulls him(?) out of the ring giving Sienna just enough time to recover and hit “The Silencer” on ODB for the win and number one contendership. After the match ODB shoves V1 into her chest and we get a lovely parting shot!

Back to the newsroom where the volcano has gotten worse and Cameron has been evacuated and sealed off. Cut to Gregory Helms, Trevor Lee and Andrew Everett who make their way past the blockade to compete later on.

Match 3: Itchweeed vs Chet Sterling (House Hardy Rules.)
This was just a bog-standard hardcore match with Jeff pretending (I hope) to be a drugged up weirdo, he does a sleeper hold to Sterling but falls asleep himself. The two go back and forth until Itchweed grabs a garden strimmer and cuts Sterling’s gear to shreds. Itchweed then gets the win with a splash through the table. Meh match overall, just put in to play for time.

Cut to earlier on in the day when there is a knock on Matt’s door and it’s the Rock N’ Roll Express. Holy shit! Fair play to TNA for bringing in some living legends to the match. Morton and Gibson look legitimately confused but make themselves at home instantly with Ricky even asking Matt for a beer!

Match 4: Bobby Lashley vs Eddie Edwards Tna Heavyweight Championship match.
Bit weird to see a sanctioned title match on an unsanctioned show but nonetheless here it is. Both men brawl and bring their big moves until they fight to a no contest when Lashley spears Eddie through the wall of the arena. They continue to brawl throughout the main event.

Main Event: Broken Hardy’s vs Lee and Everett vs The Decay vs The Rock N’ Roll Express vs DCC vs others/jobbers in Tag Team Apocalypto.
This was absolute madness and I loved it! We start out with The Hardy’s, Helms Dynasty (Lee and Everett and Gregory Helms) The Express and Decay in the ring but alarms go off and the arena fills with fire and smoke. A warning sounds and the crowd evacuate the compound, meaning that nobody gets to watch the match. No bother, we’ll do it anyway. Broken Hardys and the HD’s brawl all over Cameron: On a truck, in a bar, in Matt’s house and at some train tracks while Decay murder some jobbers out at Matt’s front gates. We see Rockstar Spud has come back and is waiting for his partner “a real big guy” as he’s described. The DCC’s James Storm shows up with about 15 similarly masked people. One of whom unmasks to reveal the truck driver from Delete or Decay, he mouths off to Abyss and is swiftly destroyed and eliminated. Leading to James and the DCC being also eliminated, much to Storm’s dismay. Spud’s tag partner has arrived, it’s Hornswoggle! The Decay laugh at him and leave. The Helms Dynasty and the last remaining jobbers: The Bravado’s fight back to the arena where the Helms Dynasty locks them in and go back to the Hardy’s. In the arena Bravado’s fight Spud and ‘Swoggle and are swiftly eliminated. However Spud pushes Swoggle around and Swoggle attacks him leaving him to be eliminated. Meanwhile The Hardy’s compete in a dream match against the Rock N’ Roll Express which proves the two veterans can still work a good match. Nice, sunset flip from Morton gets a two and Morton and Jeff fight each other on cherrypickers. Matt knocks Gibson down and moves Morton’s crane basket high in the air. Jeff misses a Swanton from the basket to Gibson but Matt hits a Twist of Fate and eliminates them. Morton starts screaming at Matt demanding the “bastard” let him down. Road Warrior Animal passes by and laughs at his long time rivals predicament. Hardy’s and Helms Dynasty brawl by the lake of reincarnation and a pinfall on Matt is broken up by the now sentient boat! The Helms boys get thrown into the lake and emerge as 3 Count. The lads dance to 3 Count’s theme until Gregory says “You ain’t Shannon and you ain’t Evan” and gets a double superkick into the water. The lads beat down Jeff and leave him near the Hardy pet cemetary. They beat down Matt until a green flash emerges from the lake. Lee and Everett grab a pair of shovels and get ready to finish Matt but a hand grabs the shovels. It’s The Hurricane complete with superpowers! He and Matt nail the two with the shovels and bury them quipping “even the man with three H’s would be proud of that burial of young talent.” The match comes down to Jeff and Matt vs Abyss and Crazy Steve. The volcano begins to erupt and sends them all flying. Matt and Abyss brawl in the ring until Abyss tries to use Janice (the spiked bat) but Matt blocks it and uses it on him. Jeff and Steve fight on the volcano and Jeff hits Steve with a Twist of Fate into the volcano which explodes and sends a chargrilled Steve into the ring for a three. Hardy’s win and the world is saved!
After the match Matt thanks his family and says the six of them are stronger than ever. To which Reby replies “the seven of us.” and we close out.

So, that was the madness that was Total Nonstop Deletion. In fairness it was a pretty good show with some solid wrestling but the main event really solidified it as the show for me and I’d give it a 9/10 rating.

That’ll do it for this retro review, catch you next time folks, don’t forget to check us out on Facebook, Twitter and on Youtube.

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